


The Director Will See You Now

by toucanpie



Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV), The Cabin in the Woods (2011)
Genre: Gen, Humor, Treat
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-31
Updated: 2014-10-31
Packaged: 2018-02-21 15:52:38
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 821
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2473859
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/toucanpie/pseuds/toucanpie
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>What if SHIELD were responsible for more than just chasing down and sorting out the unexplainable? What if the fate of the world rested in their hands? (The Cabin in the Woods fusion)</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Director Will See You Now

**Author's Note:**

  * For [thesleepingsatellite](https://archiveofourown.org/users/thesleepingsatellite/gifts).



> I couldn't resist the contents of your horror tag on Tumblr! Happy Halloween :)

i.

Phil liked to consider himself a fan of nuance. The rounds he rated were the ones were every moment slipped neatly after the last until there was nothing left but applause and another bonus. You didn't appease a god called Fury with anything less.

Others might put their stock in hormone-fuelled rampages or the bloody exodus brought on by the monster vaults, but Phil knew any decent god of violence had room for irony and precision. And he had a roster primed for that.

Sure the Winter Soldier wasn't as much fun as some of the megalomaniacs London had stored on ice, but he was a hell of a lot more intelligent and efficient. And he didn't leave slime on the scenery.

"On my mark," he said calmly, watching Barnes blink in the darkness of the elevator like a dozy puppy. 

He didn't remember gentling his voice, but it came out soft. "And go."

  


ii. 

"Your eyes glaze over when you watch, you know," Maria said. "It's not attractive."

She picked his feet up by the trouser legs and dropped them off his desk, placing a large pile of folders in their place.

"This is all the new crap from Ops, Happy Friday."

Phil spun the first file towards him and glanced inside. Snapshots of oblivious civilians stared back. He looked through a few and then paused, flicking one up to Maria between two fingers.

"In the bath, really?"

"Don't look at me, Garrett's your guy. Though why someone thought he ought to have an SLR beats me." She took the photo and tossed it back on the pile. "You ever read his file?"

"Twice."

She gave him a canny glance then sat down in the opposite chair.

"We need to get rid of him before he starts feeding children to the Hobgoblin when no-one's around."

Phil reached for his pen. Garrett had his skills, but persuading children to trust him was probably not one of them. On the other hand, a move to Maintenance would make sure he never got the chance.

"I'll get May to look into it."

"Why bother? We haven't fed Venom in a while." Maria wasn't very good at holding back her smiles. "And clearing out a middle management slot would help with budgeting."

Phil paused and then crossed out the note he'd started. It happened sometimes. Whether it was staring into the abyss or having X-27 stare back, some people weren't built to last.

Maria shrugged when he looked up at her, and reached for his bottle of whiskey. "Can't have too many psychopaths on staff, right?"

  


iii.

Early whispers had Norway's troll trio down for the best reaping of the year.

Phil had seen it, of course. Live, with a large glass of wine in one hand and his knife in the other. One helped with the relentless boredom of watching lesser set-ups and the other came in handy if he needed to puncture the screen.

He'd given the whole thing a seven. Out of fifteen. Though he'd made sure to praise its primal themes in the email he sent their head the next day.

Melinda had met him with a smug smile the morning after and they'd shared silent amusement over coffee as Simmons gave the morning briefing.

"Trolls," Fitz had said later, handing over his latest write-up. "Please. That's like us rolling out the hamburger monster. No ingenuity at all."

"Kind of hot, though," Skye said. "All that shaggy fur and - what? Guys, I'm joking, I'm joking."

  


iv.

"Have you seen Garrett, sir?" Ward asked. "It's just he usually opens up Security in the morning and -"

"He's on sabbatical," Phil said, clasping Ward's arm warmly. "Something about a retreat in Tibet, lots of meditation. You'll be taking over his responsibilities from now on. Congratulations on all your excellent work so far, I'm sure you'll be great."

  


iv.

"Sir, sir," Skye said, bursting into his office. "It's Ward! He's let Doctor Doom out and they're on their way to Control."

"Fuck," Maria said. "Seriously? What is it with your security detail, Phil?"

Phil took his pistol from the top drawer and stood up, loading as he went. That was it, Personnel were going in the playpits on Monday.

"Initiate lockdown," he barked at Skye. "Revoke all clearances but mine. Then gas them."

Skye didn't move for a moment, her eyes still locked on his. Then she uncurled her fingers from the doorframe to clench them into a fist.

"They've got Fitz, sir. Ward says they'll kill him if we do anything."

Somewhere to Phil's right, Maria groaned loudly.

" _Thank you for the opportunity, sir_ , indeed," Phil said. "Fuck it, get me Zoology on the phone and give May her nailgun, we're going in."

He reached for a few extra clips of ammo and tucked them in his pocket. 

"And Skye?"

"Yes."

"I'm going to need you to hold my tie, it's new."


End file.
